At a certain point I stopped posting regularly here on LiveJournal; I think it's the immediacy of Facebook that drew me and kept me. But sometimes one has longer thoughts to process and barf out into the cosmos.
So for a very long time, our country has been struggling with change. See, for most of our existence, the US has been dominated -- a word I use carefully -- by white Christian males. But in the last 50 years or so, that dominance has faded considerably.
Now, I'm white, and was raised Christian. They're the default values I bring with me. I was also taught to be tolerant of people who were different, to ask questions and listen to answers. I learned that others have different customs and ways of thinking about religion -- and that few people liked being preached at. Somewhere along the way, I realized that knowing a bit more about other people -- how they thought, what they believed, even what they ate -- made the world a bit easier to deal with. And I'm sure that in the course of my life, I've been That Clueless WASP Kid plenty of times.
Flash forward to today. I joke about my friends sometimes looking like a dysfunctional version of the old Benetton ads -- the ones where a group of good looking, ethnically diverse kids lounge around in nice clothing. But you know, it's true. I'm blessed with friends from all over the world. Most of them I know through various fandoms -- Trek, Doctor Who, anime -- and that has given me a powerful tool for understanding that the power of stories transcends the boundaries of ethnicity, of class, of education and religion. Our shared human experience ought to be, and is, more powerful than the other things that separate us.
The whole point of the US -- the reason we sprang into existence from the castoffs and refugees of a dozen nations -- was to give a space to the disenfranchised. Where we could live as we wished, free of the ingrained prejudices and iron-clad traditions of a hundred homelands. Here we could forge a new home, and the only requirements were that we embody those fundamental ideas common to all the great religions and philosophies. Treat others as you wish them to treat you. Fight for liberty and justice and stand up for truth and compassion.
Our greatest monument, the Statue of Liberty, was gifted to us as an eternal reminder that the price of our freedom is that we must remain open, and welcoming. We must be willing to accept the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We must stand for equality and justice and freedom; we are supposed to be a beacon for the world.
In the last ten years, I've really wondered whether our nation lost more than just innocence on 9/11. It has really felt like we've lost our way. We've allowed ourselves to succumb to panic, fear, and greed. We've allowed ourselves to be manipulated into giving up on the one thing that really made us special: that dream of freedom and equality for everyone. Instead we're encouraged to isolate ourselves into tribes and throw stones at our neighbors and put bars on our windows. And the folks selling stones and bars continue to profit by our short-sightedness. Because we're all so damned self-absorbed that we refuse to compromise or consider the world beyond our immediate desires.
How heartbreaking is that?
But it isn't irreversible. And I prefer hope to hopelessness any day. We can fix this.
It requires more than finally electing a non-white president with a weird name. It requires we leave our comfort zones as the founders did, and challenge ourselves to find common cause with people we would not normally have reason to speak to. Why? Because it makes the world better. It makes life more tolerable for everyone, even if some people don't get everything they want.
We are out of practice with this, and it shows. But that stubborn lady with the torch, standing on an island in the river, hasn't yet stopped giving off light. It can begin with a shift in perception that snowballs and gathers momentum. It can start with seeing things on TV that remind us that THEY are not so different from US. The wacky neighbors with weird accents evolve into quirky office buddies. The campy hairdresser evolves into the successful attorney. The lone tragic doomed teenager gives way to a kid with a healthy home life and an understanding father. The maid and junkyard salesman evolve into successful doctors and lawyers. TV put these people in our homes and made us deal with their existence. Writers made them funny, then made them real, and made us see their stories as simply human stories. As they always were.
And oooh, the status quo hates that. They prefer fear to change, and so they fight it. They must know they will lose this battle ultimately, because the entire history of humanity is filled with melting pots and a gradual increase in freedom and progress. Societies bump into each other and never stay quite the same. Adapt or die -- the lesson nature demonstrates over and over again. We figured that out ages ago. Evolution. Fitting that the people who pretend it's not a fact are the people most in need of it.
Ninety years ago, women couldn't vote and weren't considered fit for leadership by the establishment. Seventy years ago, we panicked and locked up our own citizens because they looked like our enemies. Fifty years ago, black folks struggled for their rights. And forty years ago, gays kicked open closet doors.
There are still those who want to turn back the clock on all of those things. They long for simpler times, forgetting that they were simple because, in their world, they were the thing that mattered most and they didn't have to face up to all that otherness. It's a child's view of the world, railing against the unfairness of having to do something they don't want to do. A toddler forced to accept a new sibling. An extended tantrum because the ice cream isn't their favorite flavor anymore. The horrifying realization that sometimes it isn't their turn, that someone might be better at something than they are; the suspicion that someone else might get a piece of their candy when it USED to be all theirs.
So.
Last week, the Vice President of the United States said gay marriage was okay with him. A day or so later, a bunch of wailing toddlers passed a law that harms thousands of families because they'd rather blame others for their failing marriages. And the day after that, the leader of the free world admitted not only that he had come to believe that gays should have the same right to marry as heterosexual couples, but critically, that it had been a bit of a struggle for him to get there. And I think it as more important than most of us realized.
Within a week, two of our closest allies saw their leaders make public statements in support of gay marriage rights. The tally of nations who've put their belief in fairness and equality for all above their fear and tradition continues to grow.
The wailing toddlers, the evolutionary throwbacks who refuse to evolve, are increasingly desperate. They're throwing everything at this one, but where they once had the comfort of ignorance, this time they know they're in the wrong. That's why they keep resorting to long-exposed lies, tired stereotypes, and pure invention to demonize the Other. It's one thing to fear what you don't understand; it's another to deliberately ignore the facts in favor of a fable that puts you at the center of the universe.
And it isn't working anymore. Or at very least, it's showing the limits of its effectiveness.
Memos have leaked pointing to a deliberate strategy to divide the black vote using gay marriage as a wedge issue. The church is powerful in the black community, and their leaders vocal in their opposition. But with Obama's expression of support (and more importantly, his admission that he had to struggle a bit to get there), and thanks to so many of their other trusted leaders being exposed as hypocrites, many churchgoing black folks are rethinking their positions. They've been shown a way out of a conundrum that pitted their understanding of faith against their direct experience.
And last week's leak of a memo from a hard-right conservative poster proves that it has backfired. The memo suggested changing course on this issue, and offers a few suggestions on how to do so while maintaining a conservative stance. Because as it happens, as more people understand that gays and lesbians aren't some scary envoys from another tribe, but are instead their neighbors and friends and relatives...well, a funny thing happens. They begin to object to the folks who demonize them. They begin to question the judgement and relevance of an old, entrenched establishment still scrambling to cope with Ellen DeGeneres' coming out as the world's most beloved and least threatening lesbian. And they gradually stop believing the lies.
And they're starting to notice that a lot of the folks who've made a big deal about what other people do in the bedroom might have something to hide themselves.
Nobody will be forced to abandon their beliefs or to marry a dude if they're not into it. The net result is that a few more loving, committed couples will be able to get married and have the same legal protection their friends have. People will get used to the idea.
And I truly believe that within five years, the tide will have swung back the other way, no matter what. After a few state challenges, eventually a federal court will be forced to say "you're absolutely right, this is about the law, and the law states that citizens must be treated equally, and the marriage contract is NOT exempt from that". A dozen states will have already changed their stance by then. The rest will follow.
And throughout all of this, the responsibility for success or failure of straight marriages will continue to depend on the parties involved. Because grown-ups realize that things that matter don't come without effort. Compromise and adaptation is the only way forward. You can't just scream and throw a fit and get what you want all the time.
It's time we remembered who we are: a nation founded by outcasts, willing to accept and stand up for the rights of other outcasts. It's time to stop being so selfish that we forget that we're all in this together. We can be brave and lead the charge, or we can be cowardly and be dragged along by the current anyway -- the destination is certain; it's the path that's up to us. When our grandchildren look at our actions, will they be proud or embarrassed? Here's a clue: talk to any kid under the age of 25 and see how big a deal it is to them.
As a smart alien on a TV show once said, "the avalanche has begun; it is too late for the pebbles to vote". The weight of history and the momentum of moving inexorably toward fairness and tolerance is beginning to be fully felt. Resistance is futile.
So for a very long time, our country has been struggling with change. See, for most of our existence, the US has been dominated -- a word I use carefully -- by white Christian males. But in the last 50 years or so, that dominance has faded considerably.
Now, I'm white, and was raised Christian. They're the default values I bring with me. I was also taught to be tolerant of people who were different, to ask questions and listen to answers. I learned that others have different customs and ways of thinking about religion -- and that few people liked being preached at. Somewhere along the way, I realized that knowing a bit more about other people -- how they thought, what they believed, even what they ate -- made the world a bit easier to deal with. And I'm sure that in the course of my life, I've been That Clueless WASP Kid plenty of times.
Flash forward to today. I joke about my friends sometimes looking like a dysfunctional version of the old Benetton ads -- the ones where a group of good looking, ethnically diverse kids lounge around in nice clothing. But you know, it's true. I'm blessed with friends from all over the world. Most of them I know through various fandoms -- Trek, Doctor Who, anime -- and that has given me a powerful tool for understanding that the power of stories transcends the boundaries of ethnicity, of class, of education and religion. Our shared human experience ought to be, and is, more powerful than the other things that separate us.
The whole point of the US -- the reason we sprang into existence from the castoffs and refugees of a dozen nations -- was to give a space to the disenfranchised. Where we could live as we wished, free of the ingrained prejudices and iron-clad traditions of a hundred homelands. Here we could forge a new home, and the only requirements were that we embody those fundamental ideas common to all the great religions and philosophies. Treat others as you wish them to treat you. Fight for liberty and justice and stand up for truth and compassion.
Our greatest monument, the Statue of Liberty, was gifted to us as an eternal reminder that the price of our freedom is that we must remain open, and welcoming. We must be willing to accept the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We must stand for equality and justice and freedom; we are supposed to be a beacon for the world.
In the last ten years, I've really wondered whether our nation lost more than just innocence on 9/11. It has really felt like we've lost our way. We've allowed ourselves to succumb to panic, fear, and greed. We've allowed ourselves to be manipulated into giving up on the one thing that really made us special: that dream of freedom and equality for everyone. Instead we're encouraged to isolate ourselves into tribes and throw stones at our neighbors and put bars on our windows. And the folks selling stones and bars continue to profit by our short-sightedness. Because we're all so damned self-absorbed that we refuse to compromise or consider the world beyond our immediate desires.
How heartbreaking is that?
But it isn't irreversible. And I prefer hope to hopelessness any day. We can fix this.
It requires more than finally electing a non-white president with a weird name. It requires we leave our comfort zones as the founders did, and challenge ourselves to find common cause with people we would not normally have reason to speak to. Why? Because it makes the world better. It makes life more tolerable for everyone, even if some people don't get everything they want.
We are out of practice with this, and it shows. But that stubborn lady with the torch, standing on an island in the river, hasn't yet stopped giving off light. It can begin with a shift in perception that snowballs and gathers momentum. It can start with seeing things on TV that remind us that THEY are not so different from US. The wacky neighbors with weird accents evolve into quirky office buddies. The campy hairdresser evolves into the successful attorney. The lone tragic doomed teenager gives way to a kid with a healthy home life and an understanding father. The maid and junkyard salesman evolve into successful doctors and lawyers. TV put these people in our homes and made us deal with their existence. Writers made them funny, then made them real, and made us see their stories as simply human stories. As they always were.
And oooh, the status quo hates that. They prefer fear to change, and so they fight it. They must know they will lose this battle ultimately, because the entire history of humanity is filled with melting pots and a gradual increase in freedom and progress. Societies bump into each other and never stay quite the same. Adapt or die -- the lesson nature demonstrates over and over again. We figured that out ages ago. Evolution. Fitting that the people who pretend it's not a fact are the people most in need of it.
Ninety years ago, women couldn't vote and weren't considered fit for leadership by the establishment. Seventy years ago, we panicked and locked up our own citizens because they looked like our enemies. Fifty years ago, black folks struggled for their rights. And forty years ago, gays kicked open closet doors.
There are still those who want to turn back the clock on all of those things. They long for simpler times, forgetting that they were simple because, in their world, they were the thing that mattered most and they didn't have to face up to all that otherness. It's a child's view of the world, railing against the unfairness of having to do something they don't want to do. A toddler forced to accept a new sibling. An extended tantrum because the ice cream isn't their favorite flavor anymore. The horrifying realization that sometimes it isn't their turn, that someone might be better at something than they are; the suspicion that someone else might get a piece of their candy when it USED to be all theirs.
So.
Last week, the Vice President of the United States said gay marriage was okay with him. A day or so later, a bunch of wailing toddlers passed a law that harms thousands of families because they'd rather blame others for their failing marriages. And the day after that, the leader of the free world admitted not only that he had come to believe that gays should have the same right to marry as heterosexual couples, but critically, that it had been a bit of a struggle for him to get there. And I think it as more important than most of us realized.
Within a week, two of our closest allies saw their leaders make public statements in support of gay marriage rights. The tally of nations who've put their belief in fairness and equality for all above their fear and tradition continues to grow.
The wailing toddlers, the evolutionary throwbacks who refuse to evolve, are increasingly desperate. They're throwing everything at this one, but where they once had the comfort of ignorance, this time they know they're in the wrong. That's why they keep resorting to long-exposed lies, tired stereotypes, and pure invention to demonize the Other. It's one thing to fear what you don't understand; it's another to deliberately ignore the facts in favor of a fable that puts you at the center of the universe.
And it isn't working anymore. Or at very least, it's showing the limits of its effectiveness.
Memos have leaked pointing to a deliberate strategy to divide the black vote using gay marriage as a wedge issue. The church is powerful in the black community, and their leaders vocal in their opposition. But with Obama's expression of support (and more importantly, his admission that he had to struggle a bit to get there), and thanks to so many of their other trusted leaders being exposed as hypocrites, many churchgoing black folks are rethinking their positions. They've been shown a way out of a conundrum that pitted their understanding of faith against their direct experience.
And last week's leak of a memo from a hard-right conservative poster proves that it has backfired. The memo suggested changing course on this issue, and offers a few suggestions on how to do so while maintaining a conservative stance. Because as it happens, as more people understand that gays and lesbians aren't some scary envoys from another tribe, but are instead their neighbors and friends and relatives...well, a funny thing happens. They begin to object to the folks who demonize them. They begin to question the judgement and relevance of an old, entrenched establishment still scrambling to cope with Ellen DeGeneres' coming out as the world's most beloved and least threatening lesbian. And they gradually stop believing the lies.
And they're starting to notice that a lot of the folks who've made a big deal about what other people do in the bedroom might have something to hide themselves.
Nobody will be forced to abandon their beliefs or to marry a dude if they're not into it. The net result is that a few more loving, committed couples will be able to get married and have the same legal protection their friends have. People will get used to the idea.
And I truly believe that within five years, the tide will have swung back the other way, no matter what. After a few state challenges, eventually a federal court will be forced to say "you're absolutely right, this is about the law, and the law states that citizens must be treated equally, and the marriage contract is NOT exempt from that". A dozen states will have already changed their stance by then. The rest will follow.
And throughout all of this, the responsibility for success or failure of straight marriages will continue to depend on the parties involved. Because grown-ups realize that things that matter don't come without effort. Compromise and adaptation is the only way forward. You can't just scream and throw a fit and get what you want all the time.
It's time we remembered who we are: a nation founded by outcasts, willing to accept and stand up for the rights of other outcasts. It's time to stop being so selfish that we forget that we're all in this together. We can be brave and lead the charge, or we can be cowardly and be dragged along by the current anyway -- the destination is certain; it's the path that's up to us. When our grandchildren look at our actions, will they be proud or embarrassed? Here's a clue: talk to any kid under the age of 25 and see how big a deal it is to them.
As a smart alien on a TV show once said, "the avalanche has begun; it is too late for the pebbles to vote". The weight of history and the momentum of moving inexorably toward fairness and tolerance is beginning to be fully felt. Resistance is futile.
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